I really feel the urge to blog, although I'm not quite sure where I'll begin. So maybe I'll just begin, and it will sort itself out somehow.

Random observation: It's not the opulent desires in life that debilitate you, but the little hopes and dreams just beyond your fingers' reach that really make you discontent.

Weekend of girls

I spent most of the weekend at Pei's bachelorette party. Despite a few setbacks, like a lot of the attendees being sick or otherwise physically indisposed, we had a really good time. As I remarked to Pei in the car, it's not difficult to have a good time when you're around people with whom you instinctively feel pretty comfortable. Pei and her friend Prissy are very much like me on a certain wavelength, and that just makes it easy to bounce around and tell secrets and giggle and dance around even when you don't know much about the other person. We went to the K Street Lounge, where we discovered that people seemed to be more interested in watching boxing than they were in dancing or anything else. Seriously, it was just like a standing-room-only sports bar with clubby music and lights. You could actually hear the men roaring collectively whenever Pacquiao landed a blow. (I knew less than nothing about boxing until last night, when I was at least forced to learn these men's names because they were flashing at me from no less than a dozen TV screens. Really, who does that in a club? *shakes head*) After the game ended, though, we all had a good time. I'm sure the champagne and mixed drinks helped too. All-girl parties can be pretty fun. We were next to a group of adorably fobby Chinese people, who danced around in what I will henceforth refer to as "The Eel" with great vim and vigor. The Eel is this sort of writhing motion many overseas Asian girls like to perform... sort of like a body roll, but done sideways instead of front-to-back, and with extreme speed. I'm not a good dancer to begin with, but even my attempts to visually illustrate this phenomenon are total fails. I saw it a lot in Taiwan and China, but I haven't seen it done Stateside any time recently so it gave me the courage to step up to the group and ask where they were from. We had some relatively friendly exchanges (their girls excitedly danced with Pei and "Eeled" up on her), and I successfully convinced the guys to polish off our Grey Goose by telling them that Taiwanese girls are better at drinking alcohol than Chinese guys, then chugging a large glass of orange juice (which they thought was spiked with vodka). Thanks to that deceptive tactic, I am not hungover at all.

The lingerie shower part was fun! There was a lot of cuteness going around. Aww, I think lingerie is some of the cutest stuff around. Gee, even the word is cute. Lingerie provides an unabashed opportunity to be as expressive of your femininity as you want. Mmmmmm. Unders. (Oh, whatever, it's been a good long time since I talked about skivvies on my blog. Long overdue, I say.) The, um, toy party was a new thing for me but it was surprisingly tasteful. I was not expecting that. "You know you work at a human rights non-profit when..." ...well, when you go to a hostess party on aspects of sexual gratification and think to yourself that much of this information could go a long way to making many battered women see sex in a more positive light. It could be a fascinating thesis topic. (What I really mean is that it would be the exact kind of controversial thesis topic I'd pick) No, but seriously, properly addressing sex in many societal contexts would do a LOT to eradicate a lot of sexual violence in the world. At the very least, ignorant people might stop raping infants in AIDS-stricken countries in hopes of a cure. Yes, I just went there - not for sensationalism, but because it really bugs me that so few people know about the issue and do something to counteract it. Simple educational measures, you know, would make such a big difference.

Um, anyways, that was such a total tangent.

Sisters

Before I left for the bachelorette party last night, I was working on a blog post about sisters. Since my mom miscarried the only other girl she ever conceived besides me, I have "a lot of love to give and nobody to give it to," I guess you could say. I have always been rather fascinated by sisterhood. With all due respect to my very masculine three brothers, I believe some seriously fervent prayers were sent up to heaven during my mother's pregnancies. I failed epically each time, since I ended up with very emphatically BOY siblings. And that's been just great - I strongly believe that I am a much cooler person because I grew up with all boys than I would otherwise be. Hah! I would've been that namby pamby prissy girl who feels entitled to everything going her own way, I'm sure.

Despite not having any biological little sisters of my own, I nevertheless seem to have attracted a little Pied Piper's gaggle of them throughout my life. (Which is great, don't get me wrong) While most of my friends tried desperately to escape their clingy toddling sisters, I usually wanted to pick them up, play with them, love on them (and give them back when I was done playing with the dolly). I've always appreciated that bond which can form between two women who are close in passions, dreams, and heart. In that respect, age is just a number. I really like younger girls, maybe because sometimes I see them as the little sisters I always wanted to have. I feel like hey, I can never pass on tips about tampons and cramps and boy-crushes to my brothers... but maybe someone else can benefit from them like I would have appreciated during my formative years! It's cool to be around a specific demographic who, instead of communicating in occasional grunts of assent, have as much of a desire to communicate and be understood as I have. Actually, having had three teen men in my life... that desire is nothing short of miraculous.

It's been really cool seeing some of those girls grow up. One of the trippiest relationships I have is with a 15-year-old girl who lives in my parents' community in Taiwan. She and her little brothers are best friends with my two youngest brothers; they are homeschooled because of my family and share similar backgrounds in part because of association with us. It's so strange for me to see her at 15, because I feel like I was just there yesterday. I had the same fears, hopes, dreams, frustrations, and questions. But for many of those years, I felt profoundly alone because I didn't have someone near my age to tell me it was okay to wonder about those things, and to guide me in a constructive manner through my issues. I remember acutely how those experiences made me feel, because I still struggle with their consequences today. (Yes, I sound like a huge drama queen but the truth is the truth and I say it with minimal bitterness; I really have moved on for the most part) I feel particularly drawn to share my experiences with this girl, partially because I'm older and I've been there and I can help, of course, but also because I've found significant healing in attempting to talk her through some of those worries. Verbalizing my own pain and trying to help her find answers has helped me understand my own circumstances better, so I can let go of the past more easily. Gee, nobody told me helping other people was supposed to be so personally beneficial. Does this still count toward my brownie points?

I've begun feeling pretty old of late, because most of my Austin girls have all grown up. I really do love them as sisters or distant cousins or some similar form of kinship. Girls I met and began to love when they were 12 are turning 20. Even the younger groups I met and mentored through ACC's high school youth group retreats are in high school. Many are seniors this year and applying for colleges. Once again, I was "just there" a few years ago, anxious about the future, hopeful about my dorm roommate, worried that I wouldn't have a school to go to, confused about how the system worked. Gee, how time does fly. I'm so proud of my girls, but at the same time, it's hard to let go of those relationships a little bit and understand that they need me less now. I guess these transitions help me refocus and remember that I'm here to give them what they need, not to take what I need from them. So I write them little Facebook messages, accept that they're often too busy to jot me more than a note, and stalk their blogs and send them little love notes when they get depressed over something. What's funny is that much of their behavior used to be somewhat incomprehensible to me. Like how could girls be so catty toward each other when I, from a more neutral standpoint, can totally see where the misunderstanding sprung on both sides? Or how could they possibly think they're ugly when they're so noticeably adorable? Or why would they like to giggle over such stupid actors and teen heartthrobs? Gee. But the more I grew to know and love 'em, the more it all made sense. And it also made me a lot more aware of how I probably annoy slightly older people a lot.

I've also been on the receiving end of that love. Although I am and always will be a guy-friend kind of girl, the people who have shaped me the most have probably been the ladies 5-15 years older who made me feel safe enough to ask them the tough questions I needed to voice in order to move forward in life. Who accepted me enough to cheer me on through some admittedly radical decisions (head-shaving? :P). Whose personal openness made me realize it's OK to be myself and to fail and to let people know that I fail.

I was going to write another sub-section, but I don't think my thoughts have percolated enough for me to disseminate them yet. Things almost always go badly for me when I let a half-baked idea go out into the world on its little own, so I will hold off on that for now.

Thanks for letting me waste 30 minutes of your time. :P And yes, I realize I'm horrifically behind on visual updates from my life. Argh.

They just get to analyze race-related jokes. Lolol.

16. While traveling to Japan, a low-ranking US ambassador asked a Japanese official why Japanese people were so inscrutable. The official looked calm and friendly, responding in a gentle voice that he much preferred to think upon his race as inscrutable than of his race as wanting in perspicacity such as in Americans.

Of the following statements, which best describes the Japanese official's comment?

A. All people are inscrutable, not just the Japanese
B. Most Americans don't understand Japanese culture
C. What a person lacks in perception may be a result of the carelessness of the observer, instead of the obscurity within the object being observed.
D. The Japanese distrust American ambassadors
E. If the East and West are ever to understand one another, there will need to be a much better cultural understanding

I'm doing a presentation next week and I'd like to hear your thoughts on aspects of societal, peer and parental pressure that concern you. (This mostly applies to high school and college-age youth, I guess)

What are some of the things your parents ask, demand, beg, or otherwise expect of you? Good grades? Choice of certain career paths? Religious behavior? Curfew? Dress code? Dating rules? And do you know the "Why" behind any of these?

If you can reply to this blog post, or leave a comment on Facebook, or email me at chix0rgirl at gmail dot com, that would be awesome. THANK YOU.

Today was another bad day, both in terms of environmental and emotional sunniness.

But "good/bad" does not seem to have much of a bearing on "significant/insignificant," which is also a good observation to make.

I am "so busy" this week, by which I mean it's kinda like how the week before finals used to go for me. I would whine a lot and crunch a little bit. It will all work out fine. I wish concentration wasn't so difficult for me. Where are them happy pills?!

www.katherinefan.com :)

Thanks for the help, Oliver.

I'll make a real Web site.

... Someday.

...But just looking at my Flickr proves to me that my last two years have been incredibly blessed. (Yeah, some people are Thomases about this stuff. Shush you)

Thank you, God, for memories preserved through photography. Not just for the travels and the friends and the fun, but just for the powerful impact of those visual reminders.

Since Fall 2007, I've...

• gone to Chicago, Los Angeles, Beijing, Xi'an, Hangzhou, Shanghai, Taiwan (four times by the end of this year, if you don't count treating it as a stop between China and the U.S.) Hong Kong, Macau, D.C., various Texas cities, upstate New York
• rented a car alone for the first time
• moved outside of Texas for the first time
  
• [mostly] gotten over my fear of flying
• shaved my head
• photo-documented numerous significant events in personal, corporate and public life
• met hundreds and hundreds of people and heard their stories
• worked for half a dozen entities, including myself
• found husband material ;p ... not that I was setting out with that goal in mind or anything. In fact, I think I attempted to flee it as much as possible.
  

You just don't get that kind of experience with entry-level jobs!

The bad news is... now just about any job I get will be boring for at least a little while. :(

I have an important blog post [or five] to come... but in the meantime... my hair.

The impetus behind the haircut

I have no idea why that is my title, but it is!

1) I got 1000 business cards for $3.50. I don't have Photoshop so I didn't manage to make photo cards, but it's OK - I just wanted a set of text-based ones anyway and this is a good opportunity to get some. I think I barely managed to get my set before the deal-hunters swarmed on over. Burnt orange and gray, baby! I miss UT a lot.

2) It's kinda funny-but-not how competitive people get in a business environment. I guess I like it, but at the same time, maybe not. I like competition with rules, maybe. Oh, what do I know about winning... the only thing I ever did that won me prizes was violin, and I hated that.

3) People who constantly promote/plug their blogs frustrate me. I guess everyone wants to be the next Dooce - and with great reason - but here's the thing: Dooce is good at what she does and has great support, but ultimately, she was the first person to do it right. Ultimately, it's that innovation that made her so big. I don't see why people don't get that. Go out and be the next Dooce in a new, original area instead of being a copycat!

4) That brings me to... plagiarism. It frustrates me. If it's not OK in college, why is it OK in real life?

5) I cut my hair. Just a little bit. But I have bangs again. Mmm, bangs. And choppy layers. I told the hairdresser I was frustrated with my corporate dress-suit environment and needed some outlet for originality. She had a ball, and I'm having a ball. Awesome.

6) I ate a whole bowl of Chipotle and now I feel like a fatty.

7) I think dreaming takes up all of my energy, because once I figure out steps to a concrete plan, I lose interest. Darn you, ENTJ personality! If I channeled that kind of intensity into my work, I'd be amazing. As it is, I do "just fine" (like, my supervisor is happy with the quality of my work and my initiative) but I feel like it's not more than maybe 50-75% of top performance. Part of the reason is because I'm always thinking forward to what's next. I've just... gotta find an outlet in which I thrive, I s'pose, and pray that it never crumbles!

8) I think it's awesome when broken people are able to reach out to other broken people and find wholeness together. I guess this statement works in a variety of contexts.

9) I would like to consider applying for a Thailand or Cambodia field office position next year. We'll see!

10) I finished another Moleskine yesterday. I actually rationed out the pages like toilet paper (or more anxiously than I do toilet paper)... I was so worried I'd run out of paper during the session. Fortunately, I cried instead of scribbling like a madman.

11) I like maintaining a little emotional distance from everyone in the world. I'm really bad at studying when people are talking around me; I just want to go interact and hang out with them instead of writing my brief or doing my research. Similarly, I live the most strongly as "me, myself, who I'm supposed to be" when I am not too emotionally attached to anyone. I kind of like it.

If you have ulterior motives of personal gain, don't try to pass off your sudden altruism as selfless friendship.

Because sometimes, life finds you out.

That was low, even for you.

Sadly, I wasn't surprised at all. I suspected as much.

(Dear guh, I apologize for being hypocritical with my cryptic blog posts)