I just dumped my daily dose of China gossip on Blogspot (which links to Facebook anyway), so that's there if you want it. But gosh, I've missed my ol' Xanga. It's a lot like the relief that comes with returning to your own home, vs. going home to a hotel room every night.
My roommate was talking about how birth control's made her a lot more emotional, "a lot more weepy." I wish I could say that was my excuse, but it's clearly not. Maybe I'm just becoming more of the girl I am supposed to be? Goshdarnit, I hate emotional people. ;p Tracy tried to talk to me about something relating to miscommunication earlier this week, and tears just kinda spilled out of my eyes. I'm not one of
those people, people! The heck is going on?! Nothing like sniffling in front of your boss and laughing at yourself while your nose runs and you attempt to tell him this is not a ploy and you are really fine and you honestly don't know what the heck happened. (I could call it PMS, but I wasn't much bitchier than normal, either!)
We've been sitting through all kinds of briefings this week — Bloomberg wire service, Wall Street Journal, law firm offices, U.S. Embassy. They're all fantastic places — the kinds of names you can brag about on your resume and in dinner conversations, and throw at your relatives as a retort when they ask you why you aren't married yet (for the record, none of my relatives are like that). And yet, as I continue plodding down the path of existential significance, I don't feel the draw to any of these places. I don't want to limit myself — perhaps the real admission is that maybe, just maybe, I'm afraid I will apply and be found inadequate — but part of me knows that nothing about the stock market numbers or mergers and acquisitions deals of even the world's biggest companies and countries appeal to my soul.
Maybe I'm thinking too much of my soul. Perhaps all I'm s'posed to do is make sure I get it a one-way ticket to heaven and then leave it the hell alone. But C.S. Lewis did say that we are souls bearing bodies, and not the other way around. And he sounded like a dude who would know. All I know is that Bloomberg is not going to make me cry tears of empathy, but of frustration. The U.S. Embassy will expose me to story after story of people in desperate plights... and red tape won't allow me to do anything about it. These really are great opportunities, and I could kick serious ass at them (my only obstacles at this point are laziness and a slight bit of ignorance regarding technical aspects), but there's just no appeal to me in hard dry news. Without that shared note of human compassion, how good of a writer or photographer could I possibly become? It just seems like the written equivalent of shooting/illustrating still life. It takes a lot of talent, for sure, but it's not even appealing to me.
Anyway, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I just know that I've had constant gassy-type pains for the last two days in varying degrees of sharpness. I feel like throwing up at random moments. I'm dehydrated because anything other than warm water seems to upset my stomach. I'm crampy and I can weep buckets at the drop of a hat (although I'm not upset about ANYTHING and I'm really enjoying my life right now, actually). Um, I'm confused with myself and not even sure if I'm the same person between Monday and Sunday, so how do people actually find out what they are supposed to do with their lives when they get like this? ;p
TMI, TMI. ;) Merci. <3 I miss you all.
Comments (5)
when you get home (to Austin) can you take our pictures again?
I think you would certainly be found wanting Kat, if the question is ~ can you find meaning in writing faceless facts and numbers. It appears that we all have to find work to do, but can a souls search for meaning be found in a label or job description?
Keep up the great writing! The right situation will present itself for you to find good work to do =)
i've missed your blogging too. ~
hormones suck!!
love you <3
Journalism is a hard field to break into...on the one hand, it seems as if its possibilities are endless. On the other, it's a lot more dominated by corporate interests than you think, and it's only become worse with the financial crisis. My best advice to you: just try something. Know it won't be forever--in fact, you'll probably move on from your first job in a year or two, unless you're really lucky and LOVE it, and are promoted internally.