chix0rgirl's Xanga

emotional hermaphrodite

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 02:41:16 GMT

So... I'm angry. I was angry the whole walk home, and tried to figure out why. I really can't. I feel like the world owes me or something. I'm not sure why that is either.

I did figure out a few non-related (or potentially related) things, though. I realized about an hour earlier that - you know how they say guys like to pursue, girls like to be pursued? Well... I actually think I like to pursue. Yes, I would like to play a cat-and-cat game some dude because I apparently do ALSO like to be pursued. AT THE SAME TIME. We should run around and catch tails. Joking aside, and I am in no mood to joke, it's a frustrating realization to make - to find out that it's difficult for me to appreciate things that I didn't fight to win. Or something. And also, it makes me feel extremely unfeminine. Because guys are intimidated by girls who like to prowl. Or else not into you. Or whatever... why the crap do we have all these ideas of how guys and girls are "supposed" to work?

And my other big thing was this: I'm way, way, way more competitive than homeschool ever allowed me to discover. Like... Irish fighting monk kinda competitive. Like "Lord, give me strength to slay all of my enemies and the bad ones twice." If I'm wrong, I want to be gloriously wrong. I've told Michael a few times that I feel like Don Quixote, wishing for a time or a place or an alternate reality where I could be a warrior instead of a lady. I want to fight. All the time. I want to punch things and scream and yell. (Yes, I plan to look into martial arts classes when I get home) I dunno, I like adrenaline and a sense of physical involvement and I like seeing fast results. Is that so wrong? It's so unladylike. And no, it's not as easy as that to just tell me, "Don't pay attention to how other people want you to behave!" Why, do YOU succeed at it? Oh, but I also like sulking when I don't win too. And I have no natural aptitude for most things (and my friends generally do) so I sulk a lot. Case in point, all of my guy friends - both groups - and their stupid board games. They don't play the normal kind, they play the super nerdy brain-strainer games.

I'm tired of how, somewhere along the way, I started caring how I looked and doing the whole "I'm fat" thing and not want to do physical activities in case I get a weird tan line or scars on my legs. Gee. I want to live. Not a little, but a lot. Enough so that I don't have to try to prove my courage by doing stupid things like climb on roller coasters. I want to take that adrenaline and use it to punch some brick walls down. I want to run around and be absolutely crazy and I want to be the leader of the pack and I want to beat everyone else and I don't want to hear about how I'm 24 and should act like a lady and a woman. Well gee. I donno. I just want to be me. I didn't think of it in terms of rebellion. I just thought of it in terms of "me" and "not me."

So basically, I don't want to act like a socially approved girl but I don't think I'm "rejecting God's design for me." In fact, I think God made me this way. And oh, it was sure hard to admit. Now I want to go squash something. I would go roar and hunt with my bare hands, but I'm still girl enough to feel sorry for the poor animal I would kill. GEEZ.

Well, so yeah, today was a very unproductive day. On the bright side, I'm slowly getting better at public speaking and presentation. A tiny bit.

Bran for brains

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 02:28:31 GMT

I really feel the urge to blog, although I'm not quite sure where I'll begin. So maybe I'll just begin, and it will sort itself out somehow.

Random observation: It's not the opulent desires in life that debilitate you, but the little hopes and dreams just beyond your fingers' reach that really make you discontent.

Weekend of girls

I spent most of the weekend at Pei's bachelorette party. Despite a few setbacks, like a lot of the attendees being sick or otherwise physically indisposed, we had a really good time. As I remarked to Pei in the car, it's not difficult to have a good time when you're around people with whom you instinctively feel pretty comfortable. Pei and her friend Prissy are very much like me on a certain wavelength, and that just makes it easy to bounce around and tell secrets and giggle and dance around even when you don't know much about the other person. We went to the K Street Lounge, where we discovered that people seemed to be more interested in watching boxing than they were in dancing or anything else. Seriously, it was just like a standing-room-only sports bar with clubby music and lights. You could actually hear the men roaring collectively whenever Pacquiao landed a blow. (I knew less than nothing about boxing until last night, when I was at least forced to learn these men's names because they were flashing at me from no less than a dozen TV screens. Really, who does that in a club? *shakes head*) After the game ended, though, we all had a good time. I'm sure the champagne and mixed drinks helped too. All-girl parties can be pretty fun. We were next to a group of adorably fobby Chinese people, who danced around in what I will henceforth refer to as "The Eel" with great vim and vigor. The Eel is this sort of writhing motion many overseas Asian girls like to perform... sort of like a body roll, but done sideways instead of front-to-back, and with extreme speed. I'm not a good dancer to begin with, but even my attempts to visually illustrate this phenomenon are total fails. I saw it a lot in Taiwan and China, but I haven't seen it done Stateside any time recently so it gave me the courage to step up to the group and ask where they were from. We had some relatively friendly exchanges (their girls excitedly danced with Pei and "Eeled" up on her), and I successfully convinced the guys to polish off our Grey Goose by telling them that Taiwanese girls are better at drinking alcohol than Chinese guys, then chugging a large glass of orange juice (which they thought was spiked with vodka). Thanks to that deceptive tactic, I am not hungover at all.

The lingerie shower part was fun! There was a lot of cuteness going around. Aww, I think lingerie is some of the cutest stuff around. Gee, even the word is cute. Lingerie provides an unabashed opportunity to be as expressive of your femininity as you want. Mmmmmm. Unders. (Oh, whatever, it's been a good long time since I talked about skivvies on my blog. Long overdue, I say.) The, um, toy party was a new thing for me but it was surprisingly tasteful. I was not expecting that. "You know you work at a human rights non-profit when..." ...well, when you go to a hostess party on aspects of sexual gratification and think to yourself that much of this information could go a long way to making many battered women see sex in a more positive light. It could be a fascinating thesis topic. (What I really mean is that it would be the exact kind of controversial thesis topic I'd pick) No, but seriously, properly addressing sex in many societal contexts would do a LOT to eradicate a lot of sexual violence in the world. At the very least, ignorant people might stop raping infants in AIDS-stricken countries in hopes of a cure. Yes, I just went there - not for sensationalism, but because it really bugs me that so few people know about the issue and do something to counteract it. Simple educational measures, you know, would make such a big difference.

Um, anyways, that was such a total tangent.

Sisters

Before I left for the bachelorette party last night, I was working on a blog post about sisters. Since my mom miscarried the only other girl she ever conceived besides me, I have "a lot of love to give and nobody to give it to," I guess you could say. I have always been rather fascinated by sisterhood. With all due respect to my very masculine three brothers, I believe some seriously fervent prayers were sent up to heaven during my mother's pregnancies. I failed epically each time, since I ended up with very emphatically BOY siblings. And that's been just great - I strongly believe that I am a much cooler person because I grew up with all boys than I would otherwise be. Hah! I would've been that namby pamby prissy girl who feels entitled to everything going her own way, I'm sure.

Despite not having any biological little sisters of my own, I nevertheless seem to have attracted a little Pied Piper's gaggle of them throughout my life. (Which is great, don't get me wrong) While most of my friends tried desperately to escape their clingy toddling sisters, I usually wanted to pick them up, play with them, love on them (and give them back when I was done playing with the dolly). I've always appreciated that bond which can form between two women who are close in passions, dreams, and heart. In that respect, age is just a number. I really like younger girls, maybe because sometimes I see them as the little sisters I always wanted to have. I feel like hey, I can never pass on tips about tampons and cramps and boy-crushes to my brothers... but maybe someone else can benefit from them like I would have appreciated during my formative years! It's cool to be around a specific demographic who, instead of communicating in occasional grunts of assent, have as much of a desire to communicate and be understood as I have. Actually, having had three teen men in my life... that desire is nothing short of miraculous.

It's been really cool seeing some of those girls grow up. One of the trippiest relationships I have is with a 15-year-old girl who lives in my parents' community in Taiwan. She and her little brothers are best friends with my two youngest brothers; they are homeschooled because of my family and share similar backgrounds in part because of association with us. It's so strange for me to see her at 15, because I feel like I was just there yesterday. I had the same fears, hopes, dreams, frustrations, and questions. But for many of those years, I felt profoundly alone because I didn't have someone near my age to tell me it was okay to wonder about those things, and to guide me in a constructive manner through my issues. I remember acutely how those experiences made me feel, because I still struggle with their consequences today. (Yes, I sound like a huge drama queen but the truth is the truth and I say it with minimal bitterness; I really have moved on for the most part) I feel particularly drawn to share my experiences with this girl, partially because I'm older and I've been there and I can help, of course, but also because I've found significant healing in attempting to talk her through some of those worries. Verbalizing my own pain and trying to help her find answers has helped me understand my own circumstances better, so I can let go of the past more easily. Gee, nobody told me helping other people was supposed to be so personally beneficial. Does this still count toward my brownie points?

I've begun feeling pretty old of late, because most of my Austin girls have all grown up. I really do love them as sisters or distant cousins or some similar form of kinship. Girls I met and began to love when they were 12 are turning 20. Even the younger groups I met and mentored through ACC's high school youth group retreats are in high school. Many are seniors this year and applying for colleges. Once again, I was "just there" a few years ago, anxious about the future, hopeful about my dorm roommate, worried that I wouldn't have a school to go to, confused about how the system worked. Gee, how time does fly. I'm so proud of my girls, but at the same time, it's hard to let go of those relationships a little bit and understand that they need me less now. I guess these transitions help me refocus and remember that I'm here to give them what they need, not to take what I need from them. So I write them little Facebook messages, accept that they're often too busy to jot me more than a note, and stalk their blogs and send them little love notes when they get depressed over something. What's funny is that much of their behavior used to be somewhat incomprehensible to me. Like how could girls be so catty toward each other when I, from a more neutral standpoint, can totally see where the misunderstanding sprung on both sides? Or how could they possibly think they're ugly when they're so noticeably adorable? Or why would they like to giggle over such stupid actors and teen heartthrobs? Gee. But the more I grew to know and love 'em, the more it all made sense. And it also made me a lot more aware of how I probably annoy slightly older people a lot.

I've also been on the receiving end of that love. Although I am and always will be a guy-friend kind of girl, the people who have shaped me the most have probably been the ladies 5-15 years older who made me feel safe enough to ask them the tough questions I needed to voice in order to move forward in life. Who accepted me enough to cheer me on through some admittedly radical decisions (head-shaving? :P). Whose personal openness made me realize it's OK to be myself and to fail and to let people know that I fail.

I was going to write another sub-section, but I don't think my thoughts have percolated enough for me to disseminate them yet. Things almost always go badly for me when I let a half-baked idea go out into the world on its little own, so I will hold off on that for now.

Thanks for letting me waste 30 minutes of your time. :P And yes, I realize I'm horrifically behind on visual updates from my life. Argh.

another conundrum question, this one with less social equality import

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 06:07:48 GMT

Which is better, being smart or being diligent, and in what context?

I am clever enough to eschew industry most of the time, but I feel like this is going to bite me in the arse pretty quickly.

That being said, what if I never find myself in a situation that requires my utmost diligence paired with every iota of my brains? Should I go seek a situation that challenges me more (i.e. certain branches of grad school) or should I just assume that the vast majority of the world's inhabitants won't need that extra 10 percent from me and live a happy, chill life... i.e., not worry too much about proving myself academically?

And if the latter conclusion were the case (not to be overly arrogant), should I instead turn my attention to other areas of self-discipline in which I should conquer the world that orbits around me? Fitness, for instance?

I was going to go off on a rant earlier today about how I've been ruined for the corporate world with the knowledge that bigwigs in ATI actually kept literal checklists of my good and bad behavior. (Half the time, I honestly was just being myself; I saved the real rebellion for my parents, who, in retrospect, had a surprising amount of grace for the sundry shenanigans I pulled) But then I realized how wrong I was, and how even such a negative situation was able to effect such positive character in my life.

Although the long-lasting effects of personal paranoia against accidental wrongdoing may dog me, they pay off pretty decently in the workplace: I'm terrified of dress code violations, I'm a mental maniac about deadlines and being on time (¹although it doesn't always translate to physical action; working on that one), I'm ridiculously truthful mostly to a fault (primarily because the coupla times I attempted to lie, I failed epically), and I am anxious to confirm that the work I'm doing is, in fact, what is required/needed/asked for.

Areas in which I still lack success include: The ability to ask for help when I really am clueless; a hopeless cloud of naivete tinged with apprehension with regard to friendly boundaries with superiors and occasionally, coworkers; and a constant terror of being asked to "come here for just a minute to be spoken to about just one thing." And when I am praised for work well done, I dread the inevitable and impending "...however..." to the point of completely zoning out of the immediate compliment.

All in all, I'm about as healthy as the next person. And I'm loads better than that girl who gets on Facebook at work¹: I'm practically swimming through guilt the whole time I'm checking out my friend's new photo album!*

*That is a lie. To all current and potential employers: I have never done a single personal action on company time. Ever. In my life. I don't even check work emails directed to me. I never go to the bathroom.

I think my ultimate formula for mental health is as follows:

1) Get 8 hours of sleep (although I honestly do my best homework between 9-2 a.m.; college proves it)
2) Complete at least 30 minutes of physical exertion; nothing that simulates real life, like weightlifting or treadmills... fresh air is good. Self defense classes are better. Martial arts are best. Violence makes me focus like nothing else!
3) Blog/journal for at least 30 and no more than 45 minutes a day; the discipline of "just getting it out there" must surely help keep my little head constipation-free. I don't feel as much pressure to remember everything possible, and it helps me process my thoughts about the day so I can go to sleep.
4) Breaking down my individual worries into separate flare prayers. I hope God is more patient than I am, because I prefer sending a long screed of vitriolic stress.
5) Accomplish at least one small task that makes me feel like a man. Oh, I mean, like a human. Or... maybe like a useful human. I don't want to feel like a man... especially not a man on the receiving end of self defense classes.
6) Alone time. I think I really like alone time. So I can brood.

(original theoretical dilemma can be found here)

would-be lawyers aren't racist

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 05:26:55 GMT

They just get to analyze race-related jokes. Lolol.

16. While traveling to Japan, a low-ranking US ambassador asked a Japanese official why Japanese people were so inscrutable. The official looked calm and friendly, responding in a gentle voice that he much preferred to think upon his race as inscrutable than of his race as wanting in perspicacity such as in Americans.

Of the following statements, which best describes the Japanese official's comment?

A. All people are inscrutable, not just the Japanese
B. Most Americans don't understand Japanese culture
C. What a person lacks in perception may be a result of the carelessness of the observer, instead of the obscurity within the object being observed.
D. The Japanese distrust American ambassadors
E. If the East and West are ever to understand one another, there will need to be a much better cultural understanding

three times an intern, never a hire

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 05:00:44 GMT

Is kind of how I feel right now! (In all fairness, I have only sent off one official application, I believe) I think I am just looking for an opportunity to have a pity party, and in my defense, the weather started it. Perhaps I believe I shall just take that Vitamin D suggestion from one of the comments many whiny blog entries today!

I'm so awesome.

fairy tale gone wrong

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 03:46:31 GMT

more here

Credit goes to Kimmy J for linking

torn

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 16:01:36 GMT

I have a hard time with people who make new friends and then ditch their old ones.

At the same time, I have a hard time with people who want the status quo to remain the same forever, which means their friends can't move on and live their lives because then they will lose their happy little bubble.

I'm really struggling with this situation, because I have been and currently find myself on both sides of the equation. I can only conclude that apparently I can't live with people, but can't live without them either.

That's just soooooo helpful. WOW.

Survey: What kinds of pressure do you face?

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 14:24:07 GMT

I'm doing a presentation next week and I'd like to hear your thoughts on aspects of societal, peer and parental pressure that concern you. (This mostly applies to high school and college-age youth, I guess)

What are some of the things your parents ask, demand, beg, or otherwise expect of you? Good grades? Choice of certain career paths? Religious behavior? Curfew? Dress code? Dating rules? And do you know the "Why" behind any of these?

If you can reply to this blog post, or leave a comment on Facebook, or email me at chix0rgirl at gmail dot com, that would be awesome. THANK YOU.

You belong to me

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 23:45:38 GMT

Juuuuust playing devil's advocate here, but where in the Bible does it say that God wants all men to be free? Like, why am I bothering to free slaves here?

'Cuz I'm researching the Koran for a parallel Islamic mandate, and not finding it. And come to think of it, I can't seem to pull up a Biblical reference in my mind for it either.

Are we confusing American constitution with the Bible?

Don't get me wrong; I'll keep doing what I'm doing... but I just want to know. Credit ATI or something, but I refuse to propagate something that isn't true.

On the positive side, I do know all sorts of Bible verses for factory-making virtuous wives. *smirk*

Update: Does anyone want to take a stab at interpreting a passage of the Koran for me? Surah 16:71 - in the second clause of the verse, who is the "they" who do not deny the favor of Allah? The more blessed (slaveowners), or the less blessed (slaves)? And moreover, what's the holistic context of the verse anyway? It doesn't seem to be an inherent endorsement of slavery to me - more like "less blessed people still have a responsibility to thank Allah for his blessings" - but I might be misunderstanding it. How many Muslim blog readers do I have anyway?

I am a barometer

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 21:32:12 GMT

Today was another bad day, both in terms of environmental and emotional sunniness.

But "good/bad" does not seem to have much of a bearing on "significant/insignificant," which is also a good observation to make.

I am "so busy" this week, by which I mean it's kinda like how the week before finals used to go for me. I would whine a lot and crunch a little bit. It will all work out fine. I wish concentration wasn't so difficult for me. Where are them happy pills?!